Public School Sex Education Courses Add Field Work To Curriculum

In a brilliant move, local high school administrators save millions of dollars off sex education budget by using existing human sexuality labs on the other side of the tracks.

(Enlightenment Reactionary News Service) A recent study conducted by the University of California at Berkeley has determined that our children are shamefully inadequate in the grasp of basic sexual techniques. Grad student Moonbeam Smith, who conducted the study, said that results indicate that our 7th and 8th graders' felatio and cunnilingus trail behind that of French students. When asked, 84% of American students claimed the G-spot was located between the F-spot and H-spot. "Don't even get me started on simple Bondage and Discipline," said Smith.

Recommendations coming from the study are to have "Human Sexuality Labs". Smith was quoted as saying, "Hey, other science classes have labs. Why not sex ed?" Civic-minded members of the adult entertainment industry have jumped in to offer class time in various strip clubs, swinger's clubs, and peeps shows in the city's lesser known business district between the docks and the truck stop. A number of students are already attending sex ed classes in a pilot program being held at "Casandra's Select Companions". The program has proved to be surprising popular, particularly with teenage boys. One student, Billy Johnson, currently of the Central City Juvenile Correctional Facility, to us, "We're really learning a lot. For instance, last week I learned that lap dances cost money. After that, I learned the importance of folding dollar bills lengthwise."
The "read more" thing is always there. Hopefully, someday I can fix it. But keep checking, there is frequently stuff here.

Ghetto Hair

"Why won't you take me seriously?" she cried while hovering in the center of the room.

Big Time Bush Urinary Scandal Uncovered

Thanks to a sharp-eye Reuters photographer the President's glaring weakness was uncovered.

(Enlightenment Reactionary News Service) Thanks for a sharp-eyed and totally nonbiased Reuters photographer, the world has learned the appalling news that President George W. Bush is afflicted with a "non-presidential bladder. During a Security Council meeting at the United Nations, in which the august body was generously taking time off from saving the human race and Muslims from unwarranted Israeli and American aggression, Bush was caught writing a note to Condileeza Rice, who sold out her race to work for this urinary tract deficient man, admitting to his horrific failure as a man.

In a matter of moments the exalted halls of the United Nations were filled with multitudinous languages all proclaiming the same thing: The Cowboy can't hold his water. Off the record, an Iraqi delegation member scoffed at the President's inadequacy. "I was on the front-line in the Iran-Iraq war for the whole 8 years and I didn't relieve myself once. It's basic military discipline, you never know when your going to need that water. Fortunately, praise be unto Allah, I never needed it, but I still took it like a man. After the war, I got a couple of black market kidneys and I was good as new. The man is a disgrace. I wouldn't be surprised to find out the weakling lets his wife and daughter's shower with no clothes on. I spit upon his father's pork rinds."

It wasn't just member of the Religion of Peace who were appalled. Senator Ted Kennedy was contacted at his Washington domicile for comment and did not disappoint. Kennedy was preparing for a flight overseas where he plans to purchase a black market liver, but took time out from heaving over the toilet to make a series of scathing comments. "This just proves that the man isn't fit to lead the country during wartime," Kennedy said. "During World War II FDR held it in for three years. It's a well known fact that Roosevelt used the restroom for the last time in February of 1942 and didn't relieve himself again until he died in 1945. It was quite a sight to see I'm told," Kennedy quipped between dry-heaves. "Let's face it," continued Kennedy with disdain, "George W. Bush is no FDR." Mary Jo Kopechne was unavailable for comment.

Head of the Democratic National Committee, Howard Dean quickly came forward with his comments as well. Dr. Dean is quoted as saying, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhh!, I can't believe that Americans are stupid enough to elected a man with pee-pee issues. Are the freakin' insane? Even I know that he's a moron and I haven't been the same since I choked on my silver spoon and was oxygen deprived for several minutes. Oh my God! What the hell is that? Holy crap! It's a flying spider! Somebody kill it before it kills my purple giraffe! Don't just sit there and look at me like I'm crazy! Do it or I'll have my army of living ear wax soldiers annihilate you when I'm president. Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhh" We were unable to get in further comment as Dr. Dean's attendants ushered him from the room at that time.

An informal poll taken today at various mainstream organizations such as the ACLU, CAIR, PETA, Communist Party USA, Daily Kos, Democratic Underground and my Wiccan drumming circle indicated this could be the scandal that undoes the president and ushers in the more mainstream and compassionate Democratic Party in the off-cycle 2006 elections. To that end, the party is pulling out all stops to assure the American voting public that they support traditional American values like gay marriage, penalizing achievement, appeasement, and robbing Peter to pay Paul (then changing Peter a transaction fee.)

It isn't a certainty that this happy circumstance will come to pass but this reported, like the rest of a desperate American, can only hope.The "read more" thing is always there. Hopefully, someday I can fix it. But keep checking, there is frequently stuff here.

Some of Our Supporters Should Work Behind the Scenes

While Billy meant well his presence at the protest wasn't really that helpful.

(Enlightenment Reactionary News Service) Billy Johnson of Marry Your Own Sister, West Virginia filed suit today against the Republican National Committee citing deceptive recruiting practices, slander, libel, and public humiliation. A new convert to the conservative cause Mr. Johnson said he was delighted to be approached by the RNC to represent the cause and readily agreed.

However, Mr. Johnson stated that when showed-up at a pro-Bush rally he kept being sent or hustled away under a variety of pretexts. Eventually RNC representatives admitted to him that he had been recruited as an example of how the public school system had gone horribly wrong.

Mr. Johnson, reportedly outraged at the personal slight, tried to rescind his permission to use his name but it was too late. The RNC had already released a pamphlet with a picture of Johnson on the cover. The pamphlet was titled, "Public Education: Don't Let This Happen to You". Mr. Johnson said he is currently reading the pamphlet and will comment on it as soon as he can find someone to explain all the big words to him.

MSNBC Makes a Series of Desperate Moves

In a desperate bid to prop up sagging ratings MSNBC begins to sexually objectify female staff. When approached for comment NOW publicists looked up at the ceiling and started whistling.

(Enlightenment Reactionary News Service) Struggling MSNBC has instituted a series of controversial measures to improve sagging ratings. MSNBC has always been troubled by low ratings but recently matters have gotten worse as their few loyal viewers have been drained off by other networks. The miniscule conservative viewership has been siphoned off by the Fox News Channel while liberal viewers have completely abandoned the network in favor of Pay Per View porn. When reached for a comment, a spokesman for the 24-hour Smut Channel said, "These are heady times for us. If you'll pardon the expression."

A MSNBC internal memo obtained by ERNS gives female anchors advance notice that they will be expected to deliver news reports in the nude. It is unknown if they will comply with this directive but there have been reports of a boom in breast augmentation in all major news markets. Male reporters will be required to gyrate suggestively while wearing sequined g-strings when reporting the news. When this policy will be implemented is unclear, however, in a related story, several women have been circulating a petition in order to get Al Roker a waiver. At last report they have collected several million signatures, with some women flying in from overseas.

The network is being tight-lipped on other changes, but in publicity photos it appears as if the studio is being redecorated with grim stone walls, guttering torches, and wall shackles. We had hoped to coax a little more information from the network but the spokesman abruptly ended the interview when his microphone began buzzing and vibrating.

CNN Knows Physics

Fortunately for them, it was CNN and nobody was watching to catch the mistake.

(Enlightenment Reactionary News Service) The Cable News Network has finally acknowledged that their network is hemorrhaging viewers faster than a crack-addicted epileptic shaving with a straight razor. To stem the ratings-busting losses CNN has announced a new outreach programs directed at younger viewers. CNN will provide tutors and teaching materials to children in public schools. The program was detailed in a press release this morning:

Thoze of us on the stiff of CNN curl deeply about our childrun getting good erections at pubic skools. Our wokerz will spending they're daze off reading to the kids to implode their reeding skills and help them lurn they're word defecations. Some of our other valentyre, vollluntir, vaughlentour--unpaid workerz will be harping with math skills. We expect grout improvings in the kids aiding, subscription, multiprocessing, and derision.

Don't thinking weez forgetting the hoomahnytys, hougmonietiz--stuff about peeple. We be helpin with his or herstory. Like uther desendents of Uropean ekspoiters of Upper Amerika we are shokked that Amerikan kids don't know no basik Amerikan facts. Hardli any studnets know about Abraham Linkins deklarin war on Germany, Japan, and Utah during Wurld War Between I and III. Sum kid didn't even know that Franklyn Dellanoh Ruuzahvault signed the Desecration of Interference.

Sheesh, no wonder anybody with a brain watches Fox.

Vision Test

At first glance this appears to be just another picture of some folks enjoying a day at a Renaissance Faire, but with a slight difference. Can you spot it?

New Stricter "Truth in Advertising" Laws Infringe Civil Rights

Donna Pheelgoode was forced to buy an entirely new wardrobe.

(Enlightenment Reactionary News Service) Recent Supreme Court rulings expanding Truth in Advertising law to the realm of personal relationships have civil libertarians howling in protest. All major liberal organizations have come out strongly against the regulations. The American Civil Liberties Union's spokesperson, Marty "Lefty" Havinfitz, reportedly said, "This is an outrage! This will be the end of Internet dating for me." Shortly after word of the rulings were made public reports poured in of military recruiters and used car dealers rioting in the streets.

More on this as it develops.